Legalism: the Weapon of the Narcissist

Does your pastor or spiritual leader tend to emphasize matters of the law (standards, rules, criticism, condemnation) over matters of the heart (love, faith, grace, mercy)? Is it based on a system where the more boxes you check, the more rewards and accolades you receive? Do you feel the need to complete daily and weekly activities to be right with God? Is your primary motivation to serve God come from guilt or not wanting to be left out? Does the emphasis of the church seem to be on outward obedience?

An excessive focus on the law where biblical standards come from a self-dependent source of obligation rather than a Christ-dependent source of desire and love is considered legalistic. This is a trap even good Christians can fall into, and it's a matter of the heart.

Why is it that you'll commonly find a narcissistic pastor at the helm of a legalistic church?

Narcissism is a personality disorder that includes traits such as a need for constant admiration, a need to be in control, inability to receive criticism, manipulative behavior, and a grandiose sense of self.

There's not a more perfect and exploitative position for a narcissist than as the spiritual leader and advisor of a church that promotes legalism!

Hiding behind a veil of false humility while simultaneously patting himself on the back. Handing out condemnations from a pulpit where no one can argue or interrupt. And if you do get the chance to raise some concerns?? You can expect some form of gaslighting to explain that it's not his fault but just your guilty conscience. You are most likely compromising or running from "hard preaching."

You may notice what feels like some sort of ranking system based on an adherence to a certain set of hand picked rules, which of course allows the pastor to place himself and his family at the top of that list. The rules may even change in order to keep himself at the top thus feeding his own superiority complex.

On the contrary, values such as love, mercy, and grace are not as easy to quantify thus are useless to the narcissist pastor. The focus is mostly on the outward. And you may feel left out or even question your own spirituality if you don't fit inside this perfect box created by this rule based system.

If this sounds familiar, you might be the victim of a narcissist pastor using legalism to feed his desires for control, manipulation and superiority at the expense of your Christian life.

I was a victim of this type of abuse.

My spiritual life was stagnant.

And I didn't even realize it until AFTER getting plugged into a new, healthy church where I quickly saw my spiritual life grow by leaps and bounds.

When I was under the leadership of a narcissist pastor who was wielding legalism like a spiritual whip in the church, I was never able to see the real damage it was doing to my relationship with the Lord.

The narcissist campaign that I had been subjected to for the last 5 years had me convinced that if I ever left the church then I would be backslidden, a compromiser, and not right with God. This turned out to be a lie and just another narcissistic tool of manipulation.

How did I get so duped? Well, It's easy for us to try to normalize our situation. I mean, what's the harm in being a little strict on rules and standards? It can only make us better, right? Maybe there's something wrong with me? I just need to try harder!

That's seems logical, but the truth, like many other biblical concepts, is somewhat counter intuitive and contrary to what common sense would suggest. At my previous church, I'd hear about people needing to "get right with God," which usually meant them accomplishing certain tasks. Read your Bible, attend all the church services, go soul winning, etc. However, according to Scripture, getting right with God starts with getting your heart right.

In fact, in Matthew 12:7, we find Jesus rebuking the Pharisees on this very topic after they accuse him of working on the Sabbath. Jesus' response in Matthew is a reference to Hosea 6:6 -

"For I desired mercy and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings."

It's not that God didn't want the sacrifices and offerings. There are entire books of the Bible detailing exactly how to accomplish proper sacrifices and offerings. But there was no point in the sacrifices if their hearts were not right first. The Pharisees didn't understand this and when they accused Jesus, He repeatedly asked them, "Have ye not read?"

I believe that the people that lived during Jesus' time must not have liked the constant judgment, accusations, and condescension by the Pharisees. I suspect the majority of the people put up with it because at the time, the Pharisees had the spiritual authority. And unfortunately, that's what we see in many churches today.

I believe that Jesus looks at today's form of legalism and asks the same question, "Have ye not read?" Legalism is a barrier to our spiritual growth. We simply cannot attain God's great plans for our life under this kind of spiritual leadership. And it happens to be a convenient, efficient, and extremely effective tool for the narcissist who controls and manipulates without truly caring for his flock.

So maybe you are part of a legalist system or in a narcissist relationship. Or maybe both. So what now?

• Educate yourself on narcissist traits so you can better recognize the manipulation here.

• Stop questioning your perception of your reality.

• Trust your instincts.

• Stop making excuses for the narcissist.

• Set boundaries and protect yourself.

You can't change the narcissist.

You can control your reactions and what you allow in your life.