Swept Under the Rug
Uncover the truth about spiritual narcissism.
Understanding Narcissism & Spiritual Abuse
A spiritual and psychological guide to seeing manipulation, naming trauma, and regaining clarity.
What happens when the one tasked with leading, feeding, and protecting God’s people uses that very authority to manipulate, control, and spiritually harm? This page will help you recognize narcissistic abuse in a church setting—especially when masked behind charisma, doctrine, and a “man of God” persona.
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What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
The DSM-5 states that in order for a person to be diagnosed with clinical NPD, they must present with at least 5 of the following 9 traits:
The DSM-5 requires at least 5 of the following traits in order to diagnose someone with NPD:
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Grandiosity
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Obsession with Fame, Power, Etc.
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Belief in Innate Uniqueness
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Need for Admiration
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Sense of Entitlement
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Interpersonally Exploitative
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Lack of Empathy
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Envy or Believe of Being Envied
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Arrogant and Haughty Behavior
What are the major types of narcissism?
Mental health professionals recognize 2 major types of narcissism - grandiose (overt) and vulnerable (covert). There is also one severe form known as malignant.
Overt Narcissism: characterized by traits like high self-esteem, dominance, arrogance, and overestimation of ability.
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Covert Narcissism: presents as introverted, insecure, defensive, and hypersensitive to criticism - still harbors grandiosity and entitlement.
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Malignant Narcissism: a severe form that includes traits of antisocial personality disorder.
How Does God Define Narcissism?
While the word "narcissism" doesn't appear in the Bible, God gives us a clear reference to it in I Kings 18-21 in the form of Jezebel.
Jezebel manipulated her husband Ahab to seize Naboth's vineyard by orchestrating a smear campaign and hiring false witnesses to accuse Naboth of blasphemy. Jezebel's control thrived on fear, intimidation, and the silencing of dissent, hallmarks of narcissism. Her relentless pursuit of power and refusal to accept accountability mirrors the destructive cycles seen in narcissist systems today, where leaders exploit loyalty, rewrite narratives, and isolate victims to maintain dominance.
How Does Narcissism Manifest?
It all starts with childhood
Everyone experiences it at a young age - if you close your eyes right now and think back through your childhood, you can come up with at least one memory in which your needs weren't met by your parents. Does this signal abuse? No. It's simply an exercise to help us realize that we all develop defense mechanisms in order to avert pain and to get our needs met. However, in the case of the narcissist, there tends to be an extended pattern of childhood events requiring a "survival" response.
All stops go through the Amygdala
It happens all the time - from something as benign as getting cut off in traffic to coming face-to-face with a grizzly bear - each of these events go through a part of the brain called the amygdala. Many of us know this as the "fight or flight" response. Think of a prey animal in the wild - a rabbit. When they sense a threat, their bodies go on high alert, their pupils dilate, and their focus closes in on the threat. Once the perceived threat is gone, the bunny returns to it's normative state. Similarly, the amygdala lights up for approximately 6 seconds for any perceived threat. During this time, humans can either feed into the amygdala, allowing for the release of cortisol and other stress chemicals into the body, or we can allow the threat to pass into our pre-frontal cortex - the part of the brain that allows for logical thinking. For the narcissist, repeated engagement with the amygdala has produced a constant state of high-anxiety and hypervigilance, always scanning for threats.
Complex PTSD - the origin of the split
Most of us are familiar with PTSD - post-traumatic stress disorder. One may associate a soldier returning from battle with the term. But it refers to a mental health condition that's triggered by a singular (typically) event. The symptoms include re-experiencing the event, avoiding anything that may trigger memories of the event, negative changes in mood and thinking, and hypervigilance. Complex PTSD is similar, but rather than one triggering event, it is formed by multiple smaller events. The person cannot necessarily remember the events that trigger the symptoms, only the feeling. So then if a person has an abandonment or betrayal wound, they will be hypervigilant - constantly searching for the next betrayal or abandonment. These people generally don't trust others and need constant assurance of their safety. All narcissists suffer from CPTSD.
It's not just fight or flight
While many of us are aware of the fight or flight responses to threats, we tend to forget two others - freeze and fawn. And while we also may associate these responses with negativity, they are the primary factors that help us break through obstacles and rise into healthy adulthood. A person who primarily engages the fight response may healthily employ courage and leadership. Someone exhibiting a healthy fawn response may excel at compromise and peacemaking. But all of these traits lie upon a spectrum. An unhealthy manifestation of flight may be micromanagement or perfectionism while the person who freezes may be overly introverted. Hundreds of studies agree that the narcissist is an aggressive type who is likely to fight in order to get their needs met.
Either you're all bad, or they are - the split
Cognitive dissonance - this is the belief that two things are true at the same time - and people truly struggle with this! We have a culture that wishes to categorize and compartmentalize our world to make it more easily digestible. As a child, perhaps you were made to feel on top of the world when you came home with straight A's, knocked that ball out of the park, or cooked your first successful meal. Conversely, you likely had a few bad days as a child - a spanking, a reprimand at school, a burned meal. Our environment takes us through a wide range of acceptance and rejection - and what we eventually learn as healthy adults is that people are people, flawed and imperfect. The narcissist is born out of this dichotomy - there is no grey area for them - they, and everything around them, are either all good, or all bad. When the narcissist is "bad," they aren't simply bad - they are the worst person to walk the planet. The feelings of shame are so overwhelming that they break from reality.
Birth of the narcissist - the grandiose false self
The life of a narcissist is one lived in anxiety. They develop a delusional psychosis, meaning that they create a mental "filter" of reality, warping it into something they can process. They cannot process any information that feeds into the notion that they might be the "all bad" version of themselves. So then they spend their lives running from any information that could substantiate this. There is zero space for the narcissist to be a "normal" person - and so since they cannot be the "all bad" person, they institute the "amazing" grandiose false self. They will lean delusionally into the amazing-self, recruiting others into the scheme and manipulating situations so that all incoming information reinforces this delusion. The next section below will highlight various means the narcissist incorporates to protect themselves and sacrifice others for their own well-being.
How Does the Narcissist Operate?
The Apex Social Predator
If you've taken the opportunity to look at some of the information above, you should have a better idea of some of the key traits of a narcissistic individual, and you probably have a clearer understanding on what creates a narcissist. To summarize, the personality traits include the constant need for validation, lack of empathy, entitlement and arrogance, grandiosity, and egocentricity. The narcissistic personality type develops during childhood and adolescence as a defense response to neglectful or suffocating parents. Their "fight" response entails an aggressive, antagonistic approach to getting the adulation or "supply" their vulnerable self craves. Interestingly, this cycle of abuse tends to run it's course similarly no matter who the narcissistic abuser is. This cycle of abuse begins with a "love bombing" stage, followed by trauma bonding, gaslighting, discarding, then hoovering. Let's take a look at each stage -
1. Love Bombing - The Cycle Begins
In the initial stages of a relationship, especially a romantic one, expect the narcissist to use love bombing and mirroring in order to create a bond as quickly as possible. Specifically, what happens during the love bombing stage is that the narcissist is projecting their expectation of perfection on to you - it's not actually love. The narcissist will attempt to convince the victim that they are a match made in heaven, that a more perfect love could never be found. They will shower the victim with adulation and praise while also mirroring them. Mirroring is another form of copy-catting. If you like chocolate, so does the narcissist. If Christmas is your favorite holiday, you better believe it's theirs too! The narcissist can persist in this inauthentic state for about 3 months before the next stage begins.
2. Breadcrumbs with a side of Trauma Bonding
At some point in the relationship, you will let the narcissist down - it's inevitable. You had no chance of reflecting the perfect image of a partner that the narcissist required. The moment you criticized the narcissist or failed to give them the admiration they needed, they execute phase 2 of their devious plan. Breadcrumbing is the behavior utilized by the narcissist to drive you to the brink of insanity and bond you to them in the most toxic of ways. Just as quickly as they love bomb you, they take it away, leaving you lonely and desperate for any glimmer of the relationship that once was. They intentionally give just enough to make their victim believe that everything is back to normal, only to remove it again. The bond is created when the victim becomes so starved for crumbs (that they see as a 5-course meal) that they completely alter their behavior to keep those crumbs coming as frequently as possible. Let me remind the reader - the narcissist is aware of what they are doing. They are choosing to treat the other person this way.
3. Gaslighting - You're the Crazy One
The term "gaslighting" is a reference to a play/film called "gaslight." In the film, the female protagonist is made to feel that she's lost all sense of reality while the male antagonist reinforces this idea through various means. Similarly, the narcissist uses numerous strategies to make their victim confused so that the victim loses touch with their sense of reality. This type of manipulation is meant to lead the victim into questioning their perception, judgment, emotions, and memory. Direct gaslighting could be contextual statements such as "You're making stuff up," "You always try to make me look bad," or "After all I've done for you." However, this is only one in an arsenal of tactics - others include: stonewalling, devaluing (passive aggressive negativity), dismissal, denial, projection, and deflection.
4. Discard - Welcome to the Trash Heap
This is one of the pivotal turning points in the relationship. In this stage, the narcissist discards the victim, treating them as if they simply don't exist anymore - no explanations, no arguments, nothing. In their eyes you don't deserve the dignity of basic human recognition. From here, the victim can generally go in one of two directions. If the trauma bond is firm and the gaslighting has served its purpose well, the victim will likely do just about anything to get back in the good graces of the narcissist. On the other end, with no more breadcrumbs, no more manipulation, sometimes this grants enough space for the victim to regain their identity. But if you think exposing the narcissist is the path to healing, think again! The manipulator was playing chess while you're playing checkers. While you were healing, they engaged the smear campaign - reaching out to family and friends, saying whatever was necessary to ensure that they never want to hear your side.
5. Hoovering - Sucking You Back Into the Cesspool
The relationship is over, or so you thought. Narcissists never truly let a relationship go - the thought of having control over their victim is too enticing to avoid. So in order to "reboot" the relationship, they may try to suck the victim back in. This could come in the form of a random gift, an "I miss you" text, or they may even attempt to rile you up, just to start a fight. As crazy as it sounds, it's an effective tool for the narcissist - they can be extremely charming, convincing their prey that they've changed or that things will be different this time around. Just think, how difficult would it be for you to willfully abandon your agreeable personality? Exactly. Conversely, the narcissistic personality type is not one that an individual can simply turn off. Like it says in Prov 26:11 - As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
Putting it All Together
If you've read this far, then you've likely learned quite a bit about narcissistic personality types. From the clinical definition according to science, to the clear pattern of abusive behavior, you may be starting to see how truly destructive this person can be. While this website is dedicated to spiritual narcissism in the church, you may be recognizing some of these same qualities in your own personal relationships. From this point, our focus is going to shift towards exposing narcissistic systems in the church and taking the discussion into the spiritual realm. If you believe you are in a trauma bonded relationship, my advice is going to be to seek out a safe person, pastor, counselor, or therapist to talk to. Please keep reading to find out how narcissism manifests within the church.
The Narcissist Church
The Cult of Personality
In the narcissistic church, everything orbits the pastor. He’s the visionary, the gatekeeper, the brand. Sermons are no longer about the text, they’re about him: his wisdom, his battles, his brilliance. They are more akin to performances than shepherding, more pronouncements than teachings. The church takes on his flavor, his cadence, even his facial expressions. Any challenge to his authority is reframed as an attack on God’s chosen instrument. Over time, the congregation doesn’t follow Christ. They follow a personality. They learn not to question, only to echo. The church becomes a stage, and the pastor its star, flanked by loyal handlers who filter access, defend him online, and silence dissent. “He’s a man of God,” they say, “and you’re just bitter.”
Isolation Through Hierarchy
There’s a system, and you’re always beneath it. The narcissistic leader surrounds himself with layers of protection - lieutenants who act as buffers and reporters. In many cases you can’t simply strike up a conversation with the narcissist pastor. In his mind, he's too elevated to operate at your level. You must go through channels. And if you ever raise concern, you’ll find that these inner-circle defenders aren’t there to listen. They’re there to protect the image of the pastor. This structure shields the leader from accountability while making you feel like access is a privilege.
Never Say Sorry, Never Back Down
No matter how damaging his words or actions, the narcissistic pastor will not genuinely repent. He may offer a pseudo-apology if public pressure requires it, but it will be vague, qualified, or subtly shift blame. “I’m sorry if you were offended” becomes the closest thing to ownership you’ll ever hear. He will never sit in silence. Never weep over what he’s done. Never submit to correction. His ego simply can’t afford it. For the narcissist pastor, any admission of guilt equates to the absolute destruction of their projected self. You are not allowed to see the scared little boy lurking just under the surface of the mask.
Theological Gaslighting
Perhaps the most spiritually damaging trait is how seamlessly the narcissistic pastor merges his voice with God’s. Disagreeing with him becomes disagreeing with scripture. Leaving the church becomes abandoning God’s will. In narcissistic churches, Scripture becomes a tool for manipulation. The pulpit delivers shame-laced teaching disguised as truth-telling. Conviction is confused with condemnation. Vulnerability is mocked. Doubt is treated like sin. The narcissistic pastor reads the Bible through a lens that always confirms his authority and never challenges it. He may equivocate himself as a great biblical figure, such as David or Paul. Over time, members lose the ability to trust their own discernment — even as they begin to lose themselves.
Manufactured Intimacy
Under the guise of “church unity,” disagreement becomes synonymous with rebellion. Healthy conflict is demonized. Those who raise concerns are labeled divisive, gossipy, or even under demonic influence. The system does not tolerate the tension of real relationship; it requires submission. Forgiveness is weaponized. “Don’t be a gossip” is code for “Don’t talk about the abuse.” In reality, unity isn’t the goal — control is. These churches often appear relational on the surface. There are potlucks, men’s retreats, prayer circles. But the intimacy is hollow — it demands conformity, not honesty. Confession flows up to the pastor or leadership, never laterally. True community is replaced with surveillance. If you're “in,” you’re celebrated. If you're “out,” you're ghosted. This isn’t the Body of Christ; it’s a relational pyramid scheme.
Trauma-Bonded Faithfulness
Congregants in narcissistic churches often appear loyal, devoted, even joyful. But under the surface, their loyalty is driven by fear, shame, and confusion. They've learned that love is conditional. Approval is scarce. The warmth they receive comes with rules — unwritten, ever-changing rules. They stay because they're spiritually tethered to a source that sometimes blesses, sometimes curses, and always demands more.
Silence is Safety
Over time, the congregation learns that speaking up is dangerous. Those who question leadership mysteriously disappear. People who leave are rarely spoken of again, or they’re scapegoated as bitter, rebellious, or divisive. So members adopt the survival posture of silence. They keep their doubts private. They confess sins that are “safe” but hide the ones that would make them look disloyal. Authenticity becomes a threat.
Identity Loss
In time, individuals within the congregation begin to lose their sense of self. You may begin to adopt the values, language, and posture of the system just to survive. Your preferences are replaced with what “the church believes.” Your personal convictions are second-guessed. You no longer ask, “How is God leading me?” Instead, you wonder, “What would the pastor think if he found out?” Your identity as a child of God is eclipsed by your identity as a compliant follower.
Co-Narcissism in the Name of Faithfulness
Congregants in narcissistic systems often begin to display narcissistic traits themselves - not out of pride, but as a survival mechanism. They learn to suppress emotion, manage appearances, and deny weakness. Men will adopt hyper-masculine posturing while women submit to the point of invisibility. Children either perform or rebel. Everyone becomes a projection, a mask, playing the roles the system rewards while suffocating their true selves.
Trauma Disguised as Conviction
Many members of narcissistic churches live in a constant state of anxiety but have been taught to call it conviction. They confuse the gut-punch of fear with the prompting of the Spirit. In reality, their nervous system is stuck in a trauma response. They're hypervigilant, afraid of being exposed, always wondering if they've done enough to stay in good standing. What they think is spiritual sensitivity is actually emotional survival.
Abuse Disguised as Discipleship
The narcissist pastor doesn’t just want to lead you, he wants to remake you in his false image. He’ll push you to serve more, give more, sacrifice more, all while claiming it’s for your spiritual growth. In reality, it’s about control. He calls it pruning, but it’s grooming. He calls it training, but it’s taming. Your transformation is not into Christlikeness, but into usefulness. And when you break, he’ll call it weakness. When you leave, he’ll call it betrayal.
Complicity Through Confusion
With enough pressure, the congregation becomes complicit — not because they are evil, but because they’ve been spiritually disoriented. Abused people begin to mirror their abuser’s behavior. They defend what once hurt them. They lash out at those who remind them of their buried pain. In a church built by a narcissist, those in the pews may become foot soldiers in the very system that oppresses them. Healing won’t come through effort — it begins with clarity.
Healing Starts Now
One of the first steps in recovering from the tremendous damage wreaked by the narcissist pastor is the realization that you're living in a fantasy created by him. Many times this also means coming to the realization that you're allowing an individual with a serious personality disorder to be your shepherd, and quite possibly the shepherd of your children. Waking up from this fantasy means seeing the remainder of your authentic self in this system and seeing that that person desperately needs to reemerge. The narcissist will consume you if you allow it, and some will. There are some who become addicted to the permission they receive from the narcissist to become one themselves. Find what remains of your true self and free yourself from the Matrix! No one else can come to save you.
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If you're still wondering whether your pastor fits the mold of NPD, take our free quiz by following the link below. If you're ready to start the healing process, proceed to the next section here.