Am I the Narcissist...Or?

I remember asking myself this question in the quiet moments after leaving Verity Baptist Church. After all the confusion, the cold shoulders, the veiled sermons, and the final blowout — I still questioned myself. Was I the problem? Was I just too sensitive? Was I secretly the narcissist?

If you’ve been under the influence of a narcissistic pastor — especially one with covert traits — you’ve likely wrestled with the same doubt. And if you’re asking this question now, I want to tell you something I wish someone had told me: the very fact that you're asking likely means you're not.

Why This Question Haunts Us

One of the hallmark traits of narcissistic abuse is gaslighting — the slow erosion of your trust in your own perception of reality. Add spiritual manipulation to the mix, and it becomes nearly impossible to distinguish between conviction from the Holy Spirit and confusion injected by a toxic leader.

The narcissist’s most insidious move is to make you question yourself instead of their actions. And because most people under their influence are humble, self-reflective Christians who just want to “do right,” they internalize the chaos. They start to wonder if they are the ones with the problem.

Let’s Be Clear: Everyone Has Narcissistic Traits

Before we go deeper, let’s define a critical distinction:

• Narcissistic traits: Self-centeredness, defensiveness, needing validation — traits everyone shows at times, especially under stress.

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): A diagnosable psychological condition involving a long-term pattern of grandiosity, lack of empathy, manipulation, and a need for admiration. Only about 0.5–1% of the population is diagnosed with full-blown NPD — and recovery rates are extremely low (some studies suggest 1–2%).

So if you're here because you're wondering whether you're the narcissist, ask yourself: Can I admit I’ve made mistakes? Do I care how I make others feel? Do I reflect, apologize, and try to grow?

If the answer is yes, you’re likely not the one with NPD.

Why You Stayed (and Why You Might Still Be There)

Once you start seeing the red flags, it’s easy to feel ashamed that you didn’t act sooner — or that you’re still there.

That’s normal.

Most survivors of narcissistic church leadership report feeling stuck in a cycle that they knew wasn’t healthy — but couldn’t seem to escape. They often blame themselves for staying, especially if they were warned by others or had their own doubts.

Here’s what helped me: understanding the psychology of manipulation.

The Narcissist's Toolkit

Narcissists — especially covert ones — rely on subtle psychological weapons. Here are some terms to know:

FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

This is the emotional cocktail that keeps people trapped. You fear spiritual condemnation. You feel obligated to “stay faithful.” You feel guilty for even questioning the leadership.

JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

A tactic victims use to try to “prove” their good intentions — but narcissists just use this as fuel to manipulate or twist your words.

CAVA: Control, Approval, Validation, Attention

Coined by Chase Hughes, this acronym shows what narcissists are really after. When they instill FOG in you, it's usually to secure these four things.

DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

When confronted, a narcissist will deny wrongdoing, attack your character, and then claim you’re the one harming them. At Verity, I experienced this firsthand after raising a serious concern. I was immediately labeled untrustworthy, scolded for being “stupid,” and told I was the real problem. It wasn’t about what happened — it was about who challenged the narrative.

Breadcrumbing

They give you just enough affection or approval to keep you hopeful — a hug, a compliment, a thank-you — then withdraw it again.

Hoovering

After you leave or pull away, they might try to suck you back in through apologies, gifts, or sudden kindness — often just to reestablish control.

Love Bombing

At the beginning, they may have made you feel special, chosen, honored — overwhelming you with praise and inclusion. That was the bait. The switch comes later.

Reverse Discard

Instead of directly kicking you out, they treat you so coldly and cruelly that you leave — so they can tell others you abandoned them.

The Wall of Denial You Ran Into

At some point, you probably tried to make peace. To “do the right thing.” Maybe you asked to meet privately, clarify misunderstandings, or seek reconciliation. But instead of warmth, you met stonewalling — or worse, character assassination.

That’s when the mask starts to slip. And what you’re left with is a question that cuts deeper than almost any other:

“Why did I let this happen?”

Extreme Ownership — But in Balance

Jocko Willink, a former Navy SEAL and author of Extreme Ownership, teaches that leaders should take full responsibility for what happens under their watch — even if it’s not directly their fault.

But this principle can be twisted when used by victims of narcissistic abuse.

Let me be clear: You are not to blame for being deceived, manipulated, or spiritually abused.

However… there is value in asking:“Why did I stay once I saw the signs?”“What part of me hoped they would change?”“What fear kept me from leaving sooner?”

This kind of self-examination is not self-blame — it’s self-liberation. It’s what Richard Grannon calls “disidentifying with the victim role.” You move from reaction to reflection, from shame to sovereignty.

Why Speaking Up Matters

If you’ve come out of a spiritually abusive church, you know the pressure to stay quiet. They may even threaten you — as I was — with “church discipline” if you talk about what happened.

That’s how the cycle continues. The narcissist thrives in darkness. Your silence isn’t just submission — it’s ammunition. But every time a survivor speaks up, the grip weakens.

Mel Robbins talks about The Let Them Theory — the idea that instead of trying to fix or control people, you just let them show you who they are. Let them lie. Let them smear. Let them unravel. And you stay rooted in truth.

The Narcissist and the Jezebel Spirit: A Biblical Mirror

Many Christians struggle to find language for what they’ve experienced under narcissistic leadership — especially when that leader claims to preach truth, uphold holiness, and defend doctrine. But what if Scripture already gave us a category for this dynamic?

Enter: the Jezebel spirit.

Author and Christian counselor Kris Reece defines the Jezebel spirit not simply as a demon, but as a demonic influence marked by control, manipulation, seduction, deception, and spiritual intimidation. It’s not about gender — men and women alike can operate under this influence. It’s about motive and method.

“The Jezebel spirit is a master manipulator. It knows how to twist truth, guilt the righteous, and dominate environments through charm, fear, and confusion.”— Kris Reece, “Exposing the Jezebel Spirit”

When I began to learn about narcissism, it was like reading a psychological profile of what Jezebel embodied spiritually.

Here’s how they line up: 

Narcissist Traits	Jezebel Spirit Traits (per Kris Reece)	Biblical Reference
Demands admiration and unquestioning loyalty	Demands control and unquestioned obedience	Rev 2:20 – "calls herself a prophetess... seduces my servants"
Gaslights victims and flips the blame	Accuses others while appearing innocent	1 Kings 21 – Naboth’s vineyard setup
Uses love-bombing and charm to gain influence	Uses seduction and flattery to gain power	2 Kings 9:22 – “her whoredoms and witchcrafts”
Projects a false image of virtue or authority	Presents herself as spiritually authoritative	Rev 2:20 – “teaches and beguiles”
Smears and isolates those who resist them	Seeks to silence true prophets and isolate the victim	1 Kings 18:4 – Jezebel kills the prophets of the Lord
Operates in secrecy and manipulation	Works behind the scenes to influence outcomes	1 Kings 21 – writes letters in Ahab’s name
Cannot tolerate dissent — must win at all costs	Threatens, intimidates, and slanders those who stand up	1 Kings 19:2 – threatens Elijah’s life

So Why Is This Important?

If you’ve been part of a spiritually abusive system you may not have had the language to describe what was happening. But Scripture already paints a picture of religious narcissism hiding behind spiritual authority. Jesus Himself rebuked the church at Thyatira for tolerating Jezebel:

“Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel…” (Rev 2:20)

He didn’t rebuke the victims — He rebuked the silence.

So What Now?

If you’ve read this far, you’re likely not the narcissist. But you may still be wounded — or still wondering what to do next.

Here’s what I’d suggest:

1. Stop Explaining.

You don’t owe anyone a theological essay to justify your leaving. You are allowed to protect your peace.

2. Start Documenting.

If you haven’t already, write down what happened. Names, dates, behaviors. It’s not to stir up drama — it’s to reclaim your reality.

3. Find Safe People.

Not just “nice” people — safe people. People who listen without trying to fix or blame you.

4. Set a No-Contact Boundary.

Don’t “just check in” to see how they’re doing. Don’t watch their sermons. Don’t read their social posts. No contact = no control.

5. Ask the Hard Questions.

Not about them — about you. What longing, fear, or belief kept you stuck? What do you need to unlearn? What needs healing?

6. Rebuild With Purpose.

Find a church or community where fruit matters more than charisma. Where humility, not control, leads the way.

Final Thoughts

If you're still asking, “Am I the narcissist?” — the answer is almost certainly no. You're just someone who was wounded, who stayed too long, and who is now awakening to the truth. That takes courage. That takes humility. And that’s not what narcissists do.

This journey isn’t about blaming them forever — it’s about freein

g yourself for good.

You were made for truth. You were made for clarity. And if you choose to walk through the pain, you’ll find that you were never crazy — just called to see clearly what others won’t.

A Prayer for the One Who’s Starting to See Clearly

Father God,

I don’t have all the answers, and maybe I never will. But I know You are not the author of confusion. I bring You my self-doubt, my fear, and every voice, internal or external, that has called me broken, rebellious, ungrateful, or proud.

I’ve stayed too long in a place where love had conditions. I’ve tried too hard to earn approval from someone who never meant to give it. And in the process, I’ve doubted the voice You gave me and the truth You placed in my heart.

But today I take a step toward freedom.

Help me see what is mine to carry — and what is not. Help me own my choices without shame, and surrender what I cannot control without guilt. Help me discern between conviction and manipulation, humility and humiliation, leadership and control.

Heal the places in me that fear abandonment more than they trust Your presence. Unravel the lies that told me silence was safety, that questioning was rebellion, and that loyalty meant losing myself.

Give me courage to speak truth — not to destroy, but to heal. Help me rebuild with wisdom, not walls. And let my voice, however shaky, become part of the light that exposes the darkness.

Thank You for never discarding me. For never growing cold. For never needing to be right at the cost of my soul.

You are the Good Shepherd. And I will follow You — not a man, not a system, not fear. Just You.

Amen.